"Why is it that on the 9/11anniversary, there are times as if I feel I'm having an emotional reaction that is very similar to what I felt on the day the attacks happened?" Jennifer Brusstar, CEO
Where were you on 9/11? Before I was the CEO of the Tug McGraw Foundation, I was a flight attendant for American Airlines working our flight back from Paris to San Jose on 9/11. The day in which the towers of New York, the fields of Pennsylvania, and the Pentagon would be consumed in smoke, fire and rubble-leaving our nation with unspeakable grief. Twenty years later, many continue to endure the physical and invisible wounds sustained from that tragic day-from serious to life-threatening — illnesses like cancer after exposure to toxic dust and debris from the collapsed towers, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, and the loss of loved ones. New York City’s World Trade Center Health Registry
According to Heidi Horsley, PsyD, a grief psychologist who counsels families of firefighters who died in the 9/11 terror attacks, "If you’re feeling a resurgence of grief as the anniversary of 9/11 approaches, you’re not alone, Horsley says. “It’s very normal, and I think it’s a relief to people when they find out it’s very common.”
Heidi Horsley, PsyD shares with Christina Vogt of Everyday Health, on why anniversaries like 9/11 can reawaken grief, ways in how you can cope, and when you should seek professional help.
How to Cope With 9/11 Anniversary Grief, According to a Grief Psychologist
Medically Reviewed by Allison Young, MD
Everyday Health
For many who survived or lost someone in the 9/11 attacks, the anniversary reignites memories of what they experienced that day, says the grief psychologist Heidi Horsley, PsyD, an adjunct assistant professor of social work at Columbia University in New York City, and the executive director and cofounder of Open to Hope, an organization for grief recovery.
“Anniversaries can bring people back into those earlier stages of grief, which can be blindsiding for them,” Horsley explains.
Here’s why she says anniversaries like 9/11 can reawaken grief, how you can cope, and when you should seek professional help.
Everyday Health: Why can anniversaries of traumatic events like 9/11 heighten grief?
Heidi Horsley: It’s completely normal to have heightened grief reactions on anniversary dates, because oftentimes, anniversaries like 9/11 retraumatize people. On each anniversary, many people have the same physical and emotional reactions they had on 9/11 itself or in the weeks, months, and years following the tragedy.
EH: In what ways might that grief show up for people?
HH: People might experience a range of emotions, with some people being more impacted than others. They may feel sadness, anxiety, and anger at levels they experienced on the day of the attacks. Sometimes these emotions are more intense; sometimes they are less intense. Crying, anxiety, or nightmares can also be tied to grief cropping up again.
And others might notice physical reactions like stomachaches, headaches, and backaches, as well as hyperarousal symptoms (the body’s fight-or-flight response kicking into gear). This could be triggered by regular, everyday noises like cars backfiring, sirens, ambulances, and car alarms, which may be reminiscent of the sounds of that day.
And some people respond by avoidance. Some people will avoid going to lower Manhattan where the attacks on the World Trade Center happened or to New York City (or the other sites related to the attacks). They might not want to go to any 9/11 memorial sites. They might want to avoid news coverage because of traumatic reminders of the events, such as footage and images. Those traumatic reminders bring back memories and intrusive thoughts about the 9/11 attacks all over again, especially for someone who experienced the events in person or lost a loved one.
EH: Why might grief show up in new ways many years later?
HH: It’s not unusual for people to put their grief on hold or not process it at a deeper level when they first experience it, because they don’t want to be totally overwhelmed by it. This may have been some people’s way of coping earlier on, but if grief comes back months or years later, they may suddenly feel it on a larger level. This could be triggered by anniversaries or even by experiencing another loss, which may remind them of the loss they had on 9/11.
EH: You work directly with families of firefighters who died on 9/11. What are some feelings people have toward the upcoming 20th anniversary?
HH: The common theme I’m seeing among bereaved families of firefighters who died on 9/11 is that the days leading up to the 20th anniversary date have been very difficult.
One factor that makes it so hard for them is that 9/11 was a very public event, meaning there are a lot of reminders of what happened cycling through the media. But at the same time, this was a very personal loss for these families. That complicates their grief experience.
The bereaved family members often feel as if they’re under a microscope. As the anniversary date approaches, their stress builds, and it’s a relief for them when they get past this very public event.
That said, these families are also very resilient and have gone on to create meaning from their loss. The 9/11 community of survivors and bereaved families is very tight-knit and close, and they have all supported each other through their grief over the past 20 years.
Although their lives have changed profoundly, they continue to honor the memory of their loved ones in many ways, including helping others process mass tragedies, working as grief therapists, and becoming firefighters to honor their fathers, husbands, and brothers who didn’t survive the 9/11 attacks. They choose to look at the 20th anniversary of 9/11 as a day of hope, healing, and remembrance.
EH: The 9/11 attacks and subsequent events have been in the news cycle a lot lately given the conflict in Afghanistan. How does this contribute to the grief and other emotions people are feeling right now on the heels of the 20-year anniversary of 9/11?
HH: The conflict in Afghanistan and the deaths of 13 U.S. service members in an attack on the Kabul airport on Thursday, August 26, serve as additional triggers of grief for people who survived or lost someone on 9/11. These events can compound the grief reaction and lead to anxiety as the anniversary of 9/11 nears, including fears that another tragedy might happen on 9/11 this year, too.
EH: What advice do you have for people in terms of how to cope with all this grief?
HH: First, remember that what you’re feeling is normal, and you don’t deserve to be judged, criticized, or for people to say, “Oh, you’re not over it yet?” People who lose a loved one don’t “get over” the loss. They learn to live with it, and that’s something that people around them need to understand.
To help you cope, I recommend using adaptive skills that have worked best for you in the past. Some ways to do this are:
Don’t isolate yourself. Instead, talk to supportive friends and family, and talk to a therapist if needed. Tell them about thoughts and feelings you’re having around the anniversary and what it’s bringing up for you. Avoid numbing your feelings with drugs and alcohol, which are maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Limit your exposure to the news. There are going to be images of the towers falling, people running, smoke, and fire — all the things that happened on 9/11 — played over and over on the anniversary, which can be really disturbing for people. Be sure to limit social media as well, because many posts about 9/11, including images that you’re not prepared to see or don’t want to see will likely surface in your news feed.
Exercise. Walking or any physical activity that releases endorphins is another important adaptive coping skill. One positive activity to consider doing on the anniversary of 9/11 is go for a memorial run or engage in some kind of workout in honor and memory of those who died on the day of the attacks.
Focus on remembrance. Remind yourself that 9/11 is about remembrance. It’s a day to memorialize, pay our respects, pay tribute to those who perished, and remind ourselves of how far we’ve come since the attacks happened in 2001. The trauma is not happening again. Think of it as a day of hope for moving forward.
EH: What are some things people can do or say to help loved ones experiencing 9/11-related grief?
HH: First, it’s important to remember that saying nothing on the anniversary of the loss of their loved one is not helpful, and is often hurtful and isolating. For people who lost someone on 9/11, reaching out on those anniversary dates and touching base with them is very helpful. Let them know you’re thinking about them on the 20th anniversary of 9/11, and offer to talk with them, have lunch with them, or support them in some way on that day.
Validate and acknowledge that they’ve lost somebody. Sit and listen to stories about the person they lost and the way that person lived. The way they died is a moment in time; how they lived is really what we want to talk about when we remember them on the anniversary of 9/11.
Support your loved one without judging their grief, and don’t try to “fix” their grief, because you can’t bring back the person they lost. But you can be there to walk with them on their grief journey and to hear what they have to say.
EH: When should you seek help for grief?
HH: Remember, there’s nothing wrong with getting professional help for grief. Again, it’s normal to feel this way after traumatic losses, even 20 years later. Over time, we still miss people we lost and feel sad that they’re not here, but there can be joy and hope in your life again — and seeking professional help can help you reach that point.
I recommend reaching out to a mental health professional for help if you:
Feel hopeless, helpless, or like your life is not worth living
Have a substance abuse problem, such as excessive alcohol and drug use
Feel consumed by anger
Feel like your relationships are being impacted or like you’re pushing loved ones away
Have a hard time reconnecting with others
Feel like you can’t function in your career
Have thoughts of or a plan for suicide
Source: By Christina Vogt
Medically Reviewed by Allison Young, MD
Everyday Health: https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/how-to-cope-with-anniversary-grief-according-to-a-grief-psychologist/
9/11 Twenty Years Later: Women of Resilience
Featuring the dramatic stories of four inspiring women who survived trauma and loss on 9/11 to find purpose and peace after two decades.
Source: ABC News
Napa Chaplain went to New York to help comfort the wounded and returned a changed man
By Kevin Courtney, Napa Valley Register
September 11, 2002
Lee Shaw, chaplain to Napa County's public safety agencies, has seen tragedy aplenty, but the scene at New York's ground zero last September left him reeling.
"Your eyes couldn't believe what you are seeing," said Shaw, who spent 28 days escorting body parts from the wreckage and comforting police and fire rescue workers. "There wasn't a day I didn't cry," Shaw said. "You ran into broken lives, broken families. Everybody lost someone."
When two skyscrapers disappeared in the blink of an eye, killing nearly 3,000, what do you say to comfort someone who may have lost dozens of buddies? "I said, 'Sure we can get through this, like the country got through Pearl Harbor,'" Shaw said. When a fragment of leg or a piece of skull were found, the excavation would momentarily stop. "We would gather and call the firefighters to attention. They would take off their helmets. We'd pray for the victim and his family. It was quite emotional, let me tell you." Body parts rode with a police escort, red lights flashing, to the morgue while pedestrians snapped to attention. "This was a real tear-jerker," said Shaw, who rode along. "Sometimes it was more than we could handle."
The tragedy of Sept. 11 touched Shaw's and many other Napa Valley lives. A year later, the memories remain sharply etched in their souls. Jennifer Brusstar was serving as a flight attendant the morning of Sept. 11 on an American Airline flight from Paris to San Jose. Three hours out, while she talked with the pilots, the radio cracked with the news that an American plane had "gone through the World Trade Center." A short time later, "a white paper came out from the computer. I will never forget it," Brusstar said. "It said United States air space was closed. My heart stopped."
With the crew in the dark about the full magnitude of the tragedy, the plane was diverted to Canada. "Near Calgary I did a naughty thing," Brusstar said. "I went to the bathroom and turned on my cell phone. I had 82 missed calls. I thought something horrific had happened. I started to feel sick." The first call she took upon landing was from her husband's ex-wife asking about her welfare. "She said the World Trade Centers are down. I said, 'What!'" Everyone on her crew lost friends when two hijacked American Airline planes crashed that day, Brusstar said. It took her four days to get from Calgary to Napa. After two days with her children and husband, her airline called. Flight attendants were refusing to fly out of fear. American needed her for a flight to Hawaii.
"My husband said, 'Jennifer, if you have to resign, go for it,'" she said. Despite fears that "someone would come behind me and strangle me or slice my throat," she took the assignment. "I wanted to be with my family, but I wanted to be with my crew. I wanted to say they didn't get the best of us," she said.
The mayors of Napa and Yountville and Napa's flood control manager were riding in a taxi near the White House on Sept. 11 when the roar of a plane flying alarmingly low turned heads. Moments later, an explosion was heard at the Pentagon. Chaos followed. "People were running crazy in the streets, screaming. We were hearing explosions. In such pandemonium, you thought we were at war," Napa Mayor Ed Henderson said.
Amid the panic, Napa officials abandoned plans to lobby for flood control money and looked for a way home.
That night at the Hay-Adams Hotel was a nightmare, said Mary Lou Holt, Yountville's mayor. "I lay in bed fully dressed with my purse. We knew anything could happen that night. We had to be ready," she said.
The next day, the Napa delegation set out in a rental car on a four-day, 3,000-mile road trip. "We felt like refugees," Henderson said. Sept. 11 left him a more "people-sensitive" person, Henderson said. This summer, he signed a controversial proclamation declaring Gay Pride Month in Napa. Before 9/11, he might not have signed it, he said. Holt said 9/11 contributed to her decision this summer not to run for re-election. "I believe a lot of Americans reset their priorities," she said. "For me it had to do with family." "I'll never see a plane in the sky again the same way," said Heather Stanton, flood project manager. "I don't think that sense of vulnerability will ever leave me." "I still cannot quite understand how four planes could be hijacked, how people who hated us could kill that many innocent people," she said. While the tragedy unfolded, two Napa woman were in labor at Queen of the Valley Hospital. Annie Wynn remember trying to focus on her contractions while loved ones watch developments on TV.
"It was really chaotic there," she said. "When I'd have a contraction, I'd sort of plug my ears and talk to myself."
"Some people say it is unfortunate that our sons were born on 9/11," said Amy Brown, who was in the next room. "But we feel lucky that our sons were brought into this world on a day when many souls left it."
Lisa Laudeman of Napa was in Newark, N.J., on a business trip that fateful day. When refugees from Manhattan flooded her hotel lobby, she scrambled to rent the last available car, a big Lincoln, and make a beeline for Napa. "It was freaking me out. It was bedlam," she said. "I said I have to get back home to the people who love me." She drove 48 hours over three days, taking breaks in truck stop parking lot. By the second day, these parking lots were filled with other refugees whose planes were not flying. In Pennsylvania, a trooper gave her a speeding ticket for going 80 mph. Near Chicago, a motorist noticed her New York plates and gave her a thumbs up.
"Today I can't believe it really happened," she said. "The world is totally changed. As Americans we took our security for granted. We thought we were always safe. We weren't." Russell Kassman plans to open a downtown Napa restaurant, Belle Arti, today. It will replace his New York eatery, Padre Mio, that closed in lower Manhattan last year in the aftermath of Sept. 11.
"I lost my shirt. I didn't lose my undershirt," said Kassman, who puts a bright spin on things. "Fate played its hand, but what can you do? You move on. What better place can you be than in Napa?" When John Hacker, a Napa physical trainer, learned that a college roommate had died in the World Trade Center, he went into a funk. The tragedy compounded his grief over a sister who has a serious illness and the recent death of a brother, he said.
"It triggered a lot of heavy stuff," Hacker said. "I've been dealing with my own mortality." Some Napa Valley residents have responded to the events of 9/11 in creative ways.
Jane Craig of Napa wrote a children's book, "The Apple's Heart," to help youngsters cope with that day's violence. "I think it's a nice, gentle way of dealing with it, even for us older people," said Craig, whose self-printed book is available at the Napa Kinko's. Celia Brown of Napa collected money from North Bay Corvette owners to buy a $200 memorial brick inscribed with the name of a New York firefighter and Corvette owner who died that day. The brick will be installed at the National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green, Ky. "It made me a part of what happened. By doing this, it helped me feel better," Brown said. Tom Eddy donated 50 inscribed bottles of cabernet sauvignon from his self-named winery to the 50 pilots who are flying state flags from all 50 states to New York this week.
"I was racking my brain. When this opportunity came up, it seemed like a natural to acknowledge aviation as an expression of personal freedom," Eddy said.
Members of Napa Scout Troop 51 will be distributing 100 flower bulbs today to memorialize the victims of 9/11. In spring, they will represent new life, said scoutmaster Stan Knight.
Andree Youngson of Napa said her daughter, Alexis Tamony, who was working five blocks from the World Trade Center on Sept. 11, gave up her job in the financial industry and has gone back to school in the Bay Area to become a math teacher. Fleeing Manhattan on a boat was a "life-changing event for her," Youngson said. She realized there were more important things in life a high-paying job. Jan Schiefferly of Napa waited six days, including a stay in a Dutch refugee camp, to get home from a vacation in Italy. When she and her husband finally arrived, relatives had covered their house with yellow ribbons. "'God bless America' has a new meaning for us now," she said.
Yvonne Scott of Napa said the enormity of events that day are hard for her 7-year-old son to comprehend, particularly because his birthday is Sept. 11. "It is very hard to see the look on his face when people seem shocked at his birth date," she said.
For Chaplain Shaw, the biggest challenge is to not let memory of 9/11 fade away.
"When you're not from New York, you tend to forget and move on. That's what difficult to me," he said. "I don't want to move on. I don't want to act like nothing's any different."
Kevin Courtney can be reached at 256-2217 or at kcourtney@napanews.com